Opinions and help wanted on 1st script...

[AcesFull]

Hey everyone, been browsing the boards for several days and decided to register and post. This is my first script, so be gentle...it has a few influences in it, but it is my first so I'm just trying to see in what ways I can improve as a writer. If it's not in the EXACT script structure, forgive me. This is a few scenes from the script.

Opinions are welcome, without futher ado -

THE MAN IN THE TRUNK.

Black screen. We hear two men talking while driving a car; the screen remains black for the duration of the conversation.


JIMMY
I don't think I follow you man, not one goddamn bit.

MICHAEL
It's the lucky cigarette man. When you first get the pack, you turn one of your cigarettes upside down.

JIMMY
Uh-huh. And just who do we owe that pop culture trend to?

MICHAEL
The lucky was a tradition in World War II; they all used to do it. All the soldiers' man. They turned one cigarette upside down ?now if they were to get shot, a member of their platoon would take their pack from their front pocket and get a cigarette out of it for themselves.

JIMMY
Right...

MICHAEL
Then they'd take the lucky by the top and put the butt in the wounded soldier's mouth and light it for them. Kind of like a last smoke of sorts.

JIMMY
How the fuck is that lucky?

MICHAEL
I don't know man, that's just where it came from.

The car is heard stopping, the engine cuts off. In the midst of the next few lines we hear the doors on both sides open and close.

JIMMY
If I'm layin on Normandy beach all shot to shit, the last thing I want is for one of my buddies to stick a cigarette in my mouth. Unless it was the goddamn medic, I don't want anyone coming near my ass.

The sound of footsteps is heard while the men continue talking.

MICHAEL
I understand you think it's fucked up, but I'm just tellin' ya, that's why it's called the lucky cigarette.

JIMMY
And I'm just tellin' ya, it don't sound lucky to me.

FADE IN:
POV from inside the trunk, looking up. The black screen rises with the opening of the trunk, exposing two men, dressed in suits looking down - a warm summer's day behind them.

MICHAEL
God damn Jimmy. How long has he been in there?

JIMMY
'Bout 48 hours.

MICHAEL leans in for a good look.

MICHAEL
Fuck man, that's disgusting.

MICHAEL raises his hand to give the corpse a good poke, Jimmy smacks his hand away.

JIMMY
The fuck are you doin?

MICHAEL
What?

To the sound of a car approaching, Jimmy looks over his shoulder.

JIMMY
Fuck here comes a car.

Jimmy closes the trunk, the screen goes black again. We can hear the two men continue to talk.

MICHAEL
So what's the plan?

JIMMY
Well...first of all...

Jimmy opens back up the trunk, we see the two men, still standing there looking down.

JIMMY
...we gotta dump him somewhere. This fucker's starting to stink worse than a bad case of halitosis.

MICHAEL
It's been a while since we've been out to the farm.

Jimmy nods his head in approval.

JIMMY
Exactly what I was thinkin'. Let's roll.

Jimmy slams the trunk shut, the screen is black once again.

MICHAEL
First things first, I'm fuckin starved.

JIMMY
I know a little diner on the way, I'm tellin' ya, it's a little piece of home cooked heaven.

We hear the doors open and close, the engine roars to life. A brief pause then...

A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

FADE TO:

Anthony seen from behind sitting in confessional talking to a priest...


ANTHONY
Forgive me father for I have sinned.

PRIEST
Go on, my son.

ANTHONY
It has been quite some time since my last confession father. In this time I have betrayed my conscience, and I have betrayed God. I have no where left to turn father, except to God and in hope...

Anthony's voice trails off to Michael's voice over.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
In this business you can't trust anyone. No matter how long you've known them. Money does fucked up things to people...and people do fucked up things for money.

CUT TO:
ANTHONY WALKING OUT OF CHURCH.

Anthony walks out of the church and tosses a cigarette - he gets in his car parked only a few feet away in the parking lot. Suddenly in the rear view mirror we see a masked man in the back seat. The wire is pulled tight around Anthony's neck, we see Anthony's face up close, grasping for air. The masked man can be seen over his shoulder, his grip still firm on the cord. Anthony take his last gasp for air...THEN...

CUT TO:
BLACK SCREEN.

Songs, cast, movie title.


THE DINER.


FADE IN:

Charlie Feathers "That Certain Female" blasts over the radio. Jimmy and MICHAEL are driving through town on the way to the burger joint. Styling in their suits and sunglasses, they puff away on their cigarettes. They're minds seem far from the fact they have a dead rotting corpse in their trunk.

CUT TO:
The car cruises into the burger joint, with the ignition shut off the music abruptly stops.

CUT TO:

Jimmy and MICHAEL sitting at a small table, menus in hand. The restaurant is a "run down" old time diner. An oldie tune hums along in the background.


MICHAEL
Soup of the day...entrees...what is this...where are the steaks?

JIMMY
I don't think they have steaks.

MICHAEL
No steaks?

JIMMY
Just get a burger.

MICHAEL
What if I don't want a burger, what if I want a steak?

REGINA, a waitress, walks up to the table.

REGINA
What can I get you gentlemen?

JIMMY
Give me the chicken fries, a side of onion rings and a cup of coffee.

REGINA
Would you like cream or sugar?

JIMMY
Lotsa' cream, Lotsa' sugar.

REGINA
And for you?

MICHAEL
Yeah...I'm not seeing your steaks on here anywhere.

REGINA
That's probably cause we don't got any.

MICHAEL
Right...let's see here, I'll go with the flying saucer.

REGINA
Anything to drink?

MICHAEL
Yeah, water's fine.

Regina goes back to the kitchen, menus in hand, and leaves MICHAEL and Jimmy by themselves once more.

MICHAEL
You talk to Cyrus?

JIMMY
Yeah just got off the phone with him right before I picked you up. We gotta dispose of John Q. Doe out there and swing on over to his place.

MICHAEL
What for?

JIMMY
Because he wants to talk to us I guess.

MICHAEL
In person?

JIMMY
Heh, well yeah I guess so. Why?

MICHAEL
Nothin'. Just wonderin' what that's all about.

JIMMY
I dunno, he didn't say. Way I see it, he probably has another odd job for us to do. You know, run of the mill stuff.

MICHAEL
Theres never anything run of the mill when it comes to Cyrus.

JIMMY
Yeah well...

MICHAEL
Did he say anything about the money Jimmy?

JIMMY
He didn't mention it. We still have 3 weeks. And you of all people should know that when Cyrus hands out a loan to a couple of fellas he trusts as much as us, he gives full time to pay him back.

MICHAEL leans in across the table, close to Jimmy.

MICHAEL
Three fuckin weeks Jimmy. If we don't have that money paid back on the goddamn chime of the clock...it'll be are asses rotting in the back of trunk.

JIMMY
Calm down alright...

MICHAEL
I'm going to call LEWIS right now. Hopefully he's made some progress.

CUT TO:
"JASPER, INDIANA"

Street level with a sleezy motel.

CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL ROOM.

LEWIS sits on the bed, loading a .45 and checking it over. The TV rumbles on in the background. The phone rings.

LEWIS
Hello.

CUT TO:
DINER.

MICHAEL is talking on his cell phone.

MICHAEL
Wakey, wakey. Eggs and bakey.

CUT TO:
MOTEL ROOM.

LEWIS stops fiddling with the gun and leans back on the bed.

LEWIS
Weelll...top of the morning to ya. I hope your calling to give me some good news about the whereabouts of this dirty fuckstick I'm trying to track down.

CUT TO:
DINER.

Jimmy is pouring the large amount of sugar for his coffee.

MICHAEL
No such luck. We were kinda hoping to hear you would have the situation under control in the very near future.

CUT TO:
MOTEL ROOM.

LEWIS
I'm working on it. This fuckin town is enough to make me puke. The sooner I get the fuck out of here, the better.

MICHAEL
The sooner you get our money back the better. We got three weeks Lew.

LEWIS
I know, I know. Cyrus really has our balls in a death grip, but I'm doin' everything I can. I ran a check on Anthony's girl.

LEWIS pulls a crumpled up piece of paper out of pocket and smooths it out.

LEWIS
Roseanne Truesy. Seems like she's recently been in the market for a new home. Just leased an apartment about 8 blocks from the motel I'm at.

CUT TO:
DINER.

We see a close up of Chase's mouth talking into the phone.

MICHAEL
I'd say it's time to pay her a little visit.

FADE OUT.

[Brainmuncher]

God for a first attempt, but the dialogue at the beginning is pretty abomnibal- maybe its just me but it was pretty damn fake.
I didnt get much sense of charachter either. They seemed to be more archetypes for quick talk.

Sorry if Im discouraging you- but I guess you posted it for criticism in the first place. Overall it was, as I say, good for a first attempt.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ May 14, 2004 02:15 PM: Message edited by: Brainmuncher ]</font>

[bigmasi]

for me it would be a bit more easier to comment if I knew the basic plot of the movie. Are these guys playing a rolegame, are they gays that are daydreaming of being tuff guys, does this happens on earth or in some distant planet, is there singing mices involved or are they just a couple of gansters in LA area trying to make a living in a tuff world? ...Have you seen pulp fiction? You might like it?

Anyway... the dialogue (wich is in very important part in your script I guess) flows ok, but it might need something to spice it up. Maybe if you would just add some laughs and grins and facial expressions or some characteristics of the guys... I don't really "feel" them and for me it's important to get an idea what kind of people we'r talking about. Is there something original about them or are they just copied from Tarantino movies. Don't know... Give me something to chew on. Trow me a hook!

Am I making any sense..? At least I managed to confuse my self ;-)

[EP]

I just want to know how we know the character's at the beginnings name. BTW- When I started writing my first script i had ideas flying at me all the time and each turned me in a new direction. Good job on the unified premise, but I have no idea what the plot is.

[AcesFull]

Thanks for all the replies guys, don't hesitate critism either, that's what I'm here for - the good and the bad. Let me give you all a run down of the plot, since I kinda just pasted in the first few scenes.

Jimmy, Michael and Lewis are all friends. They make a living doing what few do, killing people. Thats thier job, thier life. Basically they're a crew, they've worked together for years for a man named Cyrus.

They have a close mutual friend who is in the same line of business - Anthony. Anthony doesn't work for Cyrus, but he gets involved in a deal that the other three and Cyrus work up.

Cyrus loans them the start up money and in the end Anthony double crosses them and takes the money. So the three (Jimmy, Michael and Lewis) have to find Anthony before Cyrus's deadline of having the money paid back.

They can't tell Cyrus because basically they brought Anthony into it, and it would seem like a setup.

So Lewis is sent to find Anthony, while Jimmy and Michael stay around town to not attract any attention.

Thats a basic outline so you can better understand the few scenes I posted. Hope that helps, and thanks guys!

[bigmasi]

Hmmm, intresting. Sounds good.

So the guys are just doing their job (killing people), but actually they are busy of thinking another thing wich is finding Anthony. For me what makes it interesting is the "normality" of their job. It's like an everydayninetofive job for them. Especially because their minds are occupied with more important thing. I wouldn't change the plot, but I would consentrate more on the fact that their job is now a kind of boring necessity until they find Anthony. See where I'm going? Before their job was interesting and dangerous and all that ganster shit, but now it's just a cover up! Maybe they even work more now, because they are thinking that somebody might notice that something is wrong. Maybe they start to kill people without getting paid... just to keep things "normal".

This way the basic "Find Anthony or we all die" -story gets another angle that might make it more interesting.

I'm still suggesting that you write some facial expressions and feeling (not too much) to make the dialogue more informative... Or what's better, come up with some situations where the characters have to act. For example: Before Jimmy had trouble shooting people in the face. Now they are in the situation where he does that. And he suddenly shoots again couple of times just because he's thinking of Anthony whom he now hates...? He has changed and it shows in his acts.

I hope you unterstood. I'm usually a bit confusing in my post... *laughs*

Keep writing, it's sounds quite good, but it needs a fresh twist to stand up from the masses.